This morning I went for a jog. Well, actually I just ran about for a few blocks and then my instincts kicked in and said "Whoa, whoa! Where's the fire? It's 6 a.m. If you're not running to a coffee shop, there's really no reason to be running!" You can't argue with that logic. So I walked a little bit and began to philosophize about what was really going on.
Running was invented by some guy in the prehistoric ages who needed to escape a large, many toothed, hungry animal. Probably a saber tooth tiger. With wings, for added danger. Since then, people have been running because they find themselves in emergency situations, such as being out of coffee, or because email hasn't been invented yet and the Emperor needs to know something right away. Not so some out of shape 24 year old can feel demoralized first thing in the morning.
"If only I had a reason to run," I thought. "Something that would make me want to run really fast and never stop!" Then it hit me: Bears.
Bears are really dangerous creatures. They have teeth, claws, weigh an absurd amount, and like trash, which is just suspicious. These elements combined make for an excellent running companion. I mean, who wants to be mauled by something that is super heavy, super sharp and has trash can breath? No one. So all you need to do is convince a bear to chase you for 15 minutes. You'd definitely run faster than ever before, and you will not stop for any reason. When you get so tired you think you might collapse, you can climb a tree for your 'cool down' exercise. You can even do some yoga while the bear attempts to climb the tree to get you (be sure to climb a tree bears don't like). Plus, the bear gets some exercise, and that will make animal rights people happy too. Nobody loves a bear with high cholesterol.
So tomorrow morning I'm going to walk into the wilds of the suburban forest and find a bear. Then I'm going to get the best workout of my life.
