Illicit Grapes

Confession: I ate grapes this morning. And, in fact, everyday for the past 3 days.

This may not seem significant to you Internet, but it is to me. You see, I don't eat vegetables, fruit, or really anything nutritional at all. Being a true anarchist, whenever The Man (in this case the USDA) demands that I eat precise amounts of anything, I immediately revolt by doing the exact opposite. If I could find a way to eat negative amounts of fruits and vegetables, I would. Besides, I am helping the evolution of mankind by eating only what is readily available and abundant. Someday soon the world will be covered in cheeseburgers and pizza, and your children's children will thank me for giving them the genetic mutations that allow them to digest such foods into Niacin or Folic Acid or whatever.

That being said, I made the mistake of grocery shopping while feeling snackish. As I hustled past the produce section, carefully avoiding any whiffs of grapefruit or lettuce or other rabbit foods, a voice crowed overhead, "Stick your seedless grapes in the freezer! They're a great summer treat!"

"God?" I thought. "You want me to...buy grapes...and freeze them? Curious." The problem with shopping on an empty stomach is that I'm easily swayed by such marketing ploys. I'm always mistaking loud voices for God and dust falling from the shelves as the dust of angels.

I bought the grapes and did as God bid and popped them in the freezer. One fulfilling cheeseburger later, I began to doubt the power of The Mystical Frozen Grapes. What could possibly be so wonderous about ice cold nutrition? The vitamins alone could kill me. Luckily I'm an adventurous lass. I put my life on the line and tried one. It was earth shattering. When properly frozen it has the temperature and texture of extra creamy ice cream. (side note: when they begin to thaw a little, they taste like very cold grapes, which nobody likes.) Ice creamy grapes? I accept.

So today I drove my recyclables to the recycling center, snacking on frozen grapes with a smug look on my face. I was incredibly tempted to shout out, "Look at me! I'm practically a hippie, what with my recycling and my grape eating habits! You could even mistake me for a vegetarian!" It's all so totally unlike me that I can't help but wonder if these grapes are life-altering. What could be next? Jumping out windows of 12 story buildings? Eating Kiwi? Wearing high heeled shoes? All drastic changes. All made possible by eating The Mystical Frozen Grapes.