Insomniac + Motorcycle = Hello Kitty

Dear Mr. Wasn't-Loved-Enough-As-A-Child,

Thank you for driving through my neighborhood during the wee hours of the morning on your engineered-to-be-louder-than-normal motorcycle. I could hardly sleep for thinking about how cool and rebellious you are. Your actions sent a clear message to society: you are the counter culture and you demand attention. Well, sir, I'd like to help you with your message. I'm all about stickin' it to the man and giving society the what-for. Plus (if I may be so bold as to judge you by your actions) you seem to be in need of a lot of attention; creating a ruckus in the hopes of making everyone look at me is my specialty. Please, allow me to help you help yourself.

Firstly, we'll need to replace that loud monstrosity with a neon pink Vespa covered in Hello Kitty stickers. I think adding a wicker basket with a lap dog of your choice in the front will add a homey, personal touch. The problem with your bike is that people close their eyes and wince when they hear you coming, so you won't garner the kind of attention you need.

Example:

George: "Who's that asshat on the loud motorcycle?"

Roger: "I don't know, it was so loud I winced and closed my eyes!"

George: "Who's that asshat on the neon pink Vespa covered in Hello Kitty stickers with a wicker basket and terrier in front?"

Roger: "Oh, that's Bill."

See what I mean?

Secondly, I'd like to switch out all your clothes for identical items two sizes too small. Riding around in comfortable clothes tends to give people a strange smug look on their face, almost as if they're singing "Can't touch this!" to themselves. And crowds of people tend to look away from smug people in jealousy. If you looked a little less pleased with yourself and a lot more uncomfortable, everyone who sees you would instantly feel a disturbing mix of pity and empathetic discomfort. They won't be able to look away because they will be unfortunately connected to your experience.

Lastly, I suggest you ride around crowded city centers in the daytime. Very few people are out and about the streets of quiet neighborhoods at 4 in the morning. Changing your bike and clothing will help you meet your goal for getting the most attention as efficiently as possible and I'd hate to set you up for failure.

Make these changes and I can promise you all the attention your little James Dean-esque heart desires. Ride through my neighborhood at 4 am at that decibel again and I can promise only the kind of attention a mysterious, violent murder of a excessively loud scoundrel can bring.