Ants, or The Zombie Apocalypse is Upon Us

Everyone thinks that ants are the ultimate creatures. They're highly organized, occasionally destructive beings. In fact, they are the little communists Stalin always dreamed of: mindless drones go about and search for food, destroy other insects that get in their way, shun all other ant societies and colonies that are not their own, and then bring all the yummies back to the colony in digestible form so the higher order ants can eat until they explode (literally, in the queen's case.) Sounds awesome, right? Wrong.

Question: what do humans fear the most? I bet if you made a person sit down and write out the top ten things they are most afraid of, the first 9 would be lies and the 10th would be true. That 10th item, ladies and gentleman, is zombies.

Zombies are disorganized, completely destructive creatures who will eat everyone in their path. Depending on the type of zombie, they can be ridiculously hard to kill and will probably eat you before you have time to find your chainsaw.

It's funny because some ants are known to kill and eat everything and everyone in their path... and the ants in my house have proven to be very hard to kill... and everyone knows that the drones in an ant colony are not able to think for themselves and must do the bidding of the queen ant... and historically speaking, zombies are undead creatures created to do the bidding of a powerful man or woman... hmm.... *strokes beard*

Thus, by pure scientific deduction, I hearby conclude that ants are the zombie apocalypse. It has begun! Run away! Save yourself! Save your children! Save your picnic!

Think about it: little mindless beings enter your house and stop at nothing. You can kill as many of them as you want, but they keep coming, heedless of danger. They eat everything in their path. They stop at nothing. And there is nothing you can do. Sounds like ants? Sounds like zombies? Sounds like doom.

The time for action is now! I don't know about you, but I've spent many years stockpiling for the eventual zombie apocalypse. Chainsaw? check. Baseball bat? check. Miscellaneous handguns? check. Laboratory to conduct research in during my spare time, presumably to find a cure? check. But now all of these are useless. How can I cut a row of ants with a chainsaw? Or bash them with a baseball bat? And my laboratory does not have any tiny pins to stick ants with, so that's useless too.

Now that zombie-ants (hereafter called anbies) have changed the game on us, we need to change the game on them. First of all, we need to evolve so that we don't compete for food resources with the ants. I suggest we begin by adopting this photosynthesis mumbo-jumbo. If that doesn't work, we should eat the people we don't like to confuse the anbies and again, reduce the competition for resources. Then we should adopt a leader* who will help us destroy the invaders. Of course, we will have to trust this leader implicitly. Any wavering from her demands will bring instant brutal retribution. Also, I think we should all stick together in large, tight knit groups. Harder to attack when there's lots of us. Oh, and maybe we should live underground. They'll never expect us there! While they're busy invading our old houses, we will be tunneling underground and plotting our invasion of their homes.

What's that you say? My plan seems to turn us into the anbies we fear so much? You're so first on the list for 'instant brutal retribution'.

*I would make an excellent anti-anbie apocalypse leader. I'm really bossy and I know where all the cool fake beards are sold. Just sayin'.